‘Real Darkness’ versus Our Shadows

I’m still shaken up. Holy fuck. Yes DMT will blow your mind… but is this always ok though, or should we approach this with care? Terrence McKenna said the only thing you may have to worry about ‘is death by astonishment’. Ok Terrence, did you ever experience any deep darkness or did you just meet the machine elves who taught you about spitting out weird objects? Cause my trip had a whole lot of darkness in there. Demonic types. Freaking scary stuff. Was this me? Or was this something else?

The following is Terrence talking about his encounters through DMT, with the machine elves:

At about minute one or two of a DMT trip, according to McKenna, one may burst through a chrysanthemum-like mandala, and find: There’s a whole bunch of entities waiting on the other side, saying “How wonderful that you’re here! You come so rarely! We’re so delighted to see you!” They’re like jewelled self-dribbling basketballs and there are many of them and they come pounding toward you and they will stop in front of you and vibrate, but then they do a very disconcerting thing, which is they jump into your body and then they jump back out again and the whole thing is going on in a high-speed mode where you’re being presented with thousands of details per second and you can’t get a hold on [them …] and these things are saying “Don’t give in to astonishment”, which is exactly what you want to do. You want to go nuts with how crazy this is, and they say “Don’t do that. Pay attention to what we’re doing”. What they’re doing is making objects with their voices, singing structures into existence. They offer things to you, saying “Look at this! Look at this!” and as your attention goes towards these objects you realise that what you’re being shown is impossible. It’s not simply intricate, beautiful and hard to manufacture, it’s impossible to make these things. The nearest analogy would be the Fabergé eggs, but these things are like the toys that are scattered around the nursery inside a U.F.O., celestial toys, and the toys themselves appear to be somehow alive and can sing other objects into existence, so what’s happening is this proliferation of elf gifts, which are moving around singing, and they are saying “Do what we are doing” and they are very insistent, and they say “Do it! Do it! Do it!” and you feel like a bubble inside your body beginning to move up toward your mouth, and when it comes out it isn’t sound, its vision. You discover that you can pump “stuff” out of your mouth by singing, and they’re urging you to do this. They say “That’s it! That’s it! Keep doing it!”. We’re now at minute 4.5 [of the trip] and you speak in a kind of glossolalia. There is a spontaneous outpouring of syntax unaccompanied by what is normally called “meaning”. After a minute or so of this the whole thing begins to collapse in on itself and they begin to physically move away from you. Usually their final shot is that they wave goodbye and say “Deja vu! Deja vu!”

Now that seems pretty harmless, although machine elves jumping in and out of your body may be quite disturbing to some of us. I have heard and read a lot about DMT. Most people find the journeys enjoyable to a certain extent, quite frequently experience them as healing as well. Each person has their journey, and so did I. When I was blasted away into the ‘other world’, the last thing that I saw was the face of my guide who turned into something dark and devilish. I’m finding it hard to even describe this as I can feel the man has a good heart. Nevertheless, this is what I experienced which could very well be some deeper underlying shadow of my own subconscious. The rest of the journey was a blank for me. When I came out of it I had only one recollection. It was the prostitute like abusing relationship that mankind has with the plant world. I went straight through the cocaine industry and any other high concentrate substance abuse. It was horrific and at the same time just seemed to be reality for what it is.

When I came to my senses, the guys who were there with me told me that I had completely freaked out. I was apparently jumping around in the room on the bed, elbowing the window and screaming intensely, totally out of control. Two of them had to hold me down. From the cuts and bruises over my arms and legs I could see what they meant. The explanation was that the on DMT, the spirit travels out of the body and the ego is fighting. If you have serious control issues to let go in life (which I can relate to, as control is quite a challenge to accept in myself) this made sense at the time. The most remarkable thing back into ordinary reality was that I had a sense of inner peace over me and a connection with my heart that I don’t know if I have ever felt before. My mind in the next hours was remarkably calm, the regular never ending chatter seemed to have muted. The rest of the evening was lovely. I sat at a café at the river for a while to just relax and integrate.

When I laid myself down last night completely exhausted, I had flashbacks of the journey. I remember walking around in a city similar to the one I was staying in. Initially everything was ok… then a feeling of panic dawned on me and I knew something was up. Soon after I was being attacked by energies or people (they looked like people but don’t remember faces) that seemed to be related to the kind of people you’d expect running a drug cartel. Now a day after, I remember my screaming and I remember being in a state of utmost terror. I was fighting them off… In hindsight I am confused about what I experienced. Were these my own shadows? Were these my own demons? Or was this something that was lingering around in the place where I was participating in this ceremony? Only god knows.

You see, at home I have also smoked DMT and had similar experiences. The very last time that I did, while coming out of the journey, I was blank. Just like this time. I looked at my buddies there and said… hmmm again nothing. They looked in awe and said “nothing? You are joking right? You were screaming and kicking around!!” Shortly after that time, I remembered a flash of being in the Jewish extermination camp Auschwitz Birkenau where I remember seeing the people being thrown into the ovens. Also during Ayahuasca ceremonies I have witnessed, felt and experienced the horror, suffering and terror of both world wars. I haven’t figured this thing out about past lives, but it seems more and more to be a viable option for whatever we carry with us in the here and now. Why else would I have such visions?

Today I started to experience more fragments. One being the purpose of this planet. I could see the human society being housed by our planet earth in order to grow, develop and learn all there is about itself. The good and the bad. I also remembered more of the guys who were in the room, how they were helping me to calm down. Scary shit man. I am aware that most of the darkness that we experience during for example Ayahausca ceremonies, are parts of ourselves. They are the shadows hidden deep inside of us that we suppress, don’t want to see, don’t want to know about. This is not a conscious process. We all have our shadows. After my last breakup, I got some exercise given to me in order to process the feelings of abandonment and the pain better. Boy… did I get a serious fright of what came out of my mouth. Much darker than I would call my waking calm self. Sure we have shadows that don’t want to surface. When though, do you know what is yours and what is not?

I’m going to have to follow my intuition here, even if it is a result of a manifestation of my inner shadows. Be careful what you do. Be careful with who you do it. Darkness may be more real than just your inner shadows. I have met a few people already here in Peru, who claimed to have been the victim of black magic also known as ‘brujeria’. Yeah back home in Europe most people think this is just hocus pocus. So did I. Over here in Peru though, things aren’t always what they seem to be like. There are serious power battles and struggles going on between the shamans. You find them frequently referring to attacks of others, while being in their journeys.

From a western point of view, this is total nonsense. Come and stay in Peru for a while and experience first hand the culture and the healing world. Let’s talk again after.

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