The other day I felt like shit. I had just talked with my ex the night before, and although the conversation between her and me was in harmony, I missed her like hell. On top of that, she is already seeing another guy, within weeks of our relationship. Now I’m not writing this to put myself in a victim role; I understand that if things are over, it is time to let them go. I am only human though, so I felt like shit. That morning I ran into a good friend. Naturally he asked how I was, so I mentioned about her and the new guy, how it made me feel. Chatty as my friend is, he immediately started to talk about him and this girl he was seeing. How it was the same as what I was going through… That was precisely not what I needed, not to mention that his story was totally unrelated to what I was feeling and going through. Ouch.
I felt like one of my best friends doesn’t know me. Like he doesn’t see me. I was fragile and fucked up on the inside and wanted some support. A listening ear, a shoulder to lean on.
Later I talked with my roomy about it. I explained the situation and was trying to find a solution to what I was coping with that morning. Usually I like to explore within myself what is going on. This situation triggered for me an older pattern; the need for recognition, the need to be seen. We all have it to a certain extent, for some more radical than others. In the end we all want to be loved, one way or the other. Wanting to be seen is an expression of that. I told my roomy that I was trying to figure out why I have such a strong want to be seen, to be recognised. He levelled with me, explained that we all have it in a way, and asked me the following question; “What was your deepest desire in that situation?” I told him that I wanted to just have a friend listen to me, to not share his own story but to support me. He asked; “Did you give your friend those subtitles?”
SNAP…. It hit me… I didn’t.
But… shouldn’t my best friends know exactly what I want?!
How often do we not expect our loved ones, our dearest friends, to fully understand us? How often do we project our needs onto them, hoping or even expecting, that they will know? Look, this is not always going to be as easy but check this out. What if you would live in total openness, in total honesty? What if you would express every thought that comes up in the moment without wondering what the other will think? Without the fear of rejection? How magickal would your relationships be? How congruent would you be if you voice EVERYTHING that you experience with others, that you want and need from others. This requires a certain maturity of mind, a certain level of self-awareness so that you do not project any victim role mentality on others. What do I mean by that? Enough consciousness to not shove your pain and distress onto the other, for them to solve it for you. There is a huge difference between complaining, wining, bitching, about your external world versus expressing your pain and distress and ask for some compassion. Not for your best friends to solve your issues, but just to share some of their presence.
That night, I was driving back from another good friend. For some reason, I was in quite some emotional pain from the breakup that day, more so than other days. He told me that nobody can really hurt you. It is actually a gift that you experience pain through interactions with others. They push the buttons inside of you that trigger those wounds. They show you the parts of you that are not yet whole. Beautiful concept. It turns it around, yet does not dissolve the pain. As I was driving back, I remembered the events of the day. My heart was aching like hell. Pressure on my chest. My throat squeezed shut. Old stuff. Old pain. I recognise it from a young age. I remember the subtitle comment. I called another good friend to share what I was going through. Learning from the previous interactions, I asked him if we could meet up for a little bit. We hugged for ages, I felt seen, I felt heard and I started to feel better.
It is so important to stay true to yourself. To find the courage to be brave. To feel the pain. To be with the pain. To be open to the other to tell them what you need from them in that moment. True friends will appreciate that, trust me. They will adore you for telling them your subtitles. True friends cannot read your thoughts though. They can only read you through your openness. I challenge you today to tell at least one person of your subtitles. What is that you are thinking, that is in the way of the interaction with the other? Share your thoughts, share your difficulties. Be amazed.