It’s November 2015. Four more months and I will go to Peru. EXCITED!! The last one and half year has been an incredibly beautiful and transformative experience. The lows have been deep, dark and painful. The highs have been ecstatic, mind blowing, dissolving. It feels as if these last months of this journey are the final part of something old. Something I am going to have to let go. What has given me significance for such a long time, no longer serves me. I don’t have a clue what the future holds for me. I do feel that right now, at this moment in life, my rudder is steering my in the right direction.
Control. Flow. Control. Flow. Duality. Right. Wrong. Good. Bad. Yesterday I was philosophizing about the absence of these concepts, the absence of them in my everyday monkey mind. What would that feel like? Is that something to strive for in life? It’s funny how my goals, beliefs and values constantly change. A couple of years ago I wanted to acquire a lot of money, becoming financially rich was my main focus. That’s probably why I managed to finish a four year MSc degree in Aerospace Engineering, while struggling every day with it.
I’ve realized over the years that a lot of my beliefs are not actually ‘mine’. Because who am I really? Am I the one who has thought of the concepts of good and bad? I can feel the social, religious and parental beliefs crumbling. They sometimes disappear right in front of my eyes, going up in smoke into the universe. Back to where they came from. This process is so incredibly beautiful and liberating, something I am forever grateful for. Grateful for this life, grateful for this moment, grateful for all of the opportunities I have been blessed with. By now, I can also say that I am grateful for all the lows, all the pain, all the distress, the running away, numbing myself for such a long time, isolating myself from others, not being able to feel love for anyone or anything around me. Without those experiences, without the wounds, I would have never had the motivation to take this much action towards healing.
I have found peace in this process now. I am no longer seeking for the holy grail of total liberation. I often heard the question; “Daan, you seem to be always looking for something. Is everything ok with you?” I can understand why this was asked. I was always looking for the deeper meaning behind my pain. The deeper meaning behind life. Trying to find the cause, the root, the explanations. Ha, I was trying to understand and comprehend the whole universe with my tiny little brain.
‘The Great Mystery’. Great spirit, the universe, God, Shiva, The Source. I have encountered many different interpretations for creation now. I have had the good fortune to feel some of it. I have had the good fortune to experience several momentary moments of total bliss, of total dissolution into the all and everything, moments of total enlightenment. Initially this was so incredible that I couldn’t think of anything but chasing that feeling. That is where others probably started to worry. They could probably see that I was unable to accept reality fully as it is. I didn’t really want to be here, that feeling that I had besides the train tracks had not yet dissipated.
I am happy to share that by now, I have found balance. I am not enlightened or completely free (yet) and still feel some of those old patterns now and then. That is ok. I am only living the human experience.
Almost going to Peru. To follow my intuition, to follow a feeling, a feeling of going home. The plants have helped me realized more than I could have ever dreamed of. The most powerful transforming tool of the last 18 months. I want to become their ally, to become the servant of the plant kingdom, of the world, of Gaia our planet, of the universe, of the flow, of life. Because the more I let go of control, the more magick, beauty and mystery enters my life. I hope that my journey may inspire you, to find your truth in life.