It’s so hard to do the work, but it’s so worth it

“It’s not easy but it’s simple.” – Channelled by Paul Stefan and Fabiana Vagelli” (March 2016)

So here I am. Blown away by tonight. Utterly discontinuous from the past. Full of presence. My heart is racing…

I can’t grasp with words what just happened. It was like my heart exploded. It just poured open into the world. Right before that I experienced a very old pattern, an old negative belief, destructive belief. It was one of those that kills you right there in the moment, it was that harsh. I was there. Right there. Just me for me. I could feel the little one inside me screaming. The pain was really like a knife straight through the heart. It has to do with love. Deep love… and needs… fundamental needs.

The work I have been doing the last years was not easy, but it was so worth it. It gave me today. For today I am forever grateful. This life…

What am I talking about here? What is ‘the work’? What do you mean by it you may wonder… Maybe you know what I am talking about. Either way read on. I’ll give my two cents on it.

This all started, I’d say 6 years ago, when I decided it was time to increase the amount of women that I had in my life after my just finished relationship. Get confident with women. It was that simple.  In the beginning. Not for very long though. The journey started with watching seminars from David Deangelo (I believe he goes by the name of Eban Pagan now). The seminars were called Deep Inner Game and Man Transformation. You see, I had the belief I was just a boy inside, who had never grown into manhood. Not in control of my emotions, often not even aware of them. Outburst of anger, always being taken over by the emotions. The first concept I ever learned and started applying with great results was called ‘observing ego’. Looking at myself from a third person perspective. The doors to self-development had opened up.


The first night out was a disaster. I started this with a guy I had grown up with the first 7 years of my life, a dear soul. In the first bar we just stood there talking about the theory, the theory of how to pick up a girl. Didn’t approach a single person, neither of us. We ended up going back to the pad, drinking beers and playing video games. That was the state I was in when I started this journey. I had only lived with guys who never really took action in their dating lives. I felt a lot of fear and insecurities in that part of my life so it was one of the first on the list. I read books and articles which gave a lot of mental jerkoff about how to get really good with women. I attended pick-up bootcamps (where they teach you how to pick up chicks), went to sexual training seminars and then… I met a guy called Thomas. He came up with the concept of the mastermind. A group of people who want to achieve similar goals in life. A group of likeminded guys willing to work on themselves and grow. After a few screening meetings, we founded Ars Amatoria. 10 guys sharing their lives. Very structured we were! I was studying aircraft engineering, which is nothing but rigidity. It’s a miracle the things fly. Anyway, long story short, this hypercharged the self-development path. I finally had buddies to go out with, a pack of wolves, it was our tribe.

This opened even more doors. We soon came to the conclusion there had to be more than just tricks and exercise in order to get better socially. It was about becoming a better person so you can attract ‘better people’. I now realize this term is total and utter BS because there is no such thing as ‘better people’. We are all one. I’m drifting off. For then the concept worked. I started to read and learn about meditation. I had always been interested in mind altering technologies, mostly through direct experimentation. I read about Iboga and Ayahuasca. That was a long time ago. I don’t remember how many workshops and meetings I have attended in that period of my life, from January 2011 till the long road trip in August 2012. The amount of women in my life was also steadily increasing. I also fell in love again. I had learnt so many tricks and they started working! Better and better actually. My level of courage was growing too. The tricks didn’t last though, they made me less authentic. It was just a mask I was wearing. Then I decided to do a 10 day silent retreat to learn this new meditation technique that I heard so many promising things about.

The first Vipassana was an incredible journey. Total life changer. I learned what it was like to be in the moment. More than I had ever been in my life before. Halfway the week after what seemed like an out of body experience, I walked outside floating. The rain drops on the leaves of the bushes were the prettiest thing mankind could ever be aware of. It was that intense. I felt like all my issues were gone and I was free. This feeling didn’t stay, but for weeks I was in cloud nine. My subsequent work at the roadside recovery service in Amsterdam was a blessing. I was so high and open that I was connecting with every customer. I was still tripping away on the raindrops, this time on the front window of the van. I remember it so vividly. A state of total bliss. I became so much more real. So much more authentic.

In total bliss for weeks after the first Vipassana retreat

In total bliss for weeks after the first Vipassana retreat

I was so lucky (well what is luck) that I got to go on a 3 month journey soon after, with an old 1970’s VW camper, named Charlie. That trip I learned so much about myself. The journey went past the Atlantic Ocean, all the way from France to the south west of Morocco. I met incredible people, had incredible intimate and loving interactions with women, surfed, flowed and sunk even more in the moment. When I think back about it, it was so perfect. I am starting to connect the dots. The dots of all the work I have been doing since the beginning. I have died so many times. I have been reborn and awakened just as many. The plants have been a huge part of this journey. I am forever humbled and grateful for Ayahuasca coming into my life.

“When you die completely, when all the projections are dead, there you will discover who you really are. When you lose yourself, you find yourself. When you lose yourself you finally start to be.” – Channelled by Paul Stefan and Fabiana Vagelli (January 2016)

As I am copying this quote, I run into the following teaching from the past. It couldn’t be more perfect for this moment!! This part is from February 2016:

PS & F: “Because if you approach this last part with the intention and the energy and the view to see how much you received, you will go and develop the sense of being complete. The sense to continuously being in need of research will calm down and you will be more in peace with yourself. When you start and go to work on the next purpose, the next goal, you will do it from a perspective of a different man that knows how much luggage he has with him which can be used. How much knowledge, things achieved etc. So you will become a man who knows what his own potential is. Knows who he is in that moment.

Especially with being back in the here and now. This is the most important aspect of this process. Even more than the healing that you received because of working with the gratitude. We repeat, you know exactly who you are in the present moment and will know from which point to start in a new direction. And from a new perspective, the potential that you have, you can fix a new target. Even higher than you can imagine. Because you know that you can do it, because you know you have the potential.”

This is so crazy… because this is exactly the state I am in right now. I see my full potential. I feel my full potential. My mind has gone quiet. Have I really stopped analysing and thinking about everything??? It’s so unbelievable. I accept. I surrender. This allowed me to feel the pain this evening. The harsh pain, really old pain. I could forgive myself. I could feel all of it. I could let it be.

Shortly after I was meditating with some tobacco powder and then it hit me. It just started flowing and glowing actually. The energy from my heart space felt as if I was exploding. So much love!!! It was bursting into the room. I never felt anything like this before. My heart was radiating out into the world in full force.


This is how it started.

Tonight I was having a really deep connection with a special someone. We got so close, there was so much presence between us. I am crazy about her, without a doubt. The goodbye hug was making my body tremble. It was intense. What a trip. This girl helped me heal my heart, to reopen it wide open again in the summer of 2016 in Qoya, Peru. Now she was right here. We’ve held such beautiful space tonight together, deep healing. After the hug she looked me long in the eyes, kissed me on the mouth and made a comment about how dry her lips were… Or something like that. I was a bit overwhelmed in that moment with what was going on. But it was all good and grounded. I was learning so much in our interaction about unconditional love. Never have learned more about it than in these interactions with her. I was seeing where I was grabbing, seeing where my ego was playing up, applying all that I have learned in the past. This connection is about practice time.

She left the room this evening, and I started feeling what I wanted to do. Watch a movie? I felt like lying down and spacing out. My rational mind was catching up on what had just happened and started to replay the situation. I could feel all of the energies that were flowing between her and me. I was back in that zone. Then the moment where she kissed me on the mouth. Should I have kissed her back in that moment? My body was saying yes. Then there was the knife in the chest. Such a strong harsh judgement about myself. A deep old long lasting belief that I am an idiot or something for not taking action. Thoughts related were ‘this was the only moment it will ever be possible’ and ‘you are such a chicken’. I felt the pain. I woke up out of the story and started feeling. Gently. I saw how harsh I had been to myself, apologized and started having a conversation with the little one inside, the inner child. We came to the final conclusion of so much love between us, so much trust, so much faith, that we were never going to let any girl, any woman between us. We made a pact of universal love, unconditionally.

I felt so alive. I knew that everything is happening in the right moment. It is all good. I came to my senses and the insights and realizations came for some new approaches in the rest of the week she is here. Practice was meeting theory. I didn’t really become a different person since the journey started, I became more of me. All of the external projects, workshop, plant medicine ceremonies, relationships, masterminds, channellings, they all taught me that in the end. All I have to do is be myself. But to get there I had to truly believe first that I wasn’t good enough.

The work of the last 6 years is coming together. Tonight. In this moment. In this article. I feel so free. I feel so wide open. I see the puzzle pieces. This is what a lot of teachings write about. Total acceptance of all that is. Adding another dimension to the situation: I had met a girl two days early who is out of this world. She’s a super happy spirit, super open and just one bright shining soul! I got super confused this weekend. I started to feel strongly for her, within a day. We were really vibing. I was also thinking about her tonight. Then it hit me once more. This love is unique. Every person is unique. Every interaction is unique. I feel super strongly towards two amazing women and both those connections cannot replace each other or even compare to each other in any way. The level of self-acceptance in this situation is just amazeballs. I am free. Love is freedom.

It’s been a long path. It’s been a lot of work. It’s been so worth it.

What is the work? It’s to get your butt moving, give yourself a loving kick if needed. To start looking at your life; who you are, what you desire, what you fear. To start the journey, the never-ending journey. Trust me. You won’t be able to see the finish line when you start. You won’t know where to start. You’ll be clueless. Enjoy also that process of being lost. It only comes once in your life with new things.

If you are already on the path, keep walking strong. Enjoy every moment of it. Have faith in yourself. If you are doing the work and discovering yourself in this life, you are bound to be. Just be.

Be open to whatever comes on your path. Travel. Discover what makes you tick. Follow your heart.

We all make mistakes. You fall off and you get back on. There is no rush and there is no finish line.

Aho Mitakuye Oyasin!!

I love you. All of you. We are all here to just learn. To just be.


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Hi there!
I have found your latest posts really interesting as I’m going for a Vipassana retreat next week and after that planning to do a toad in the NL.
What’s up, how are you now?
cheers love