This post is about resistance, about walking your path, about following your intuition. I hope my journey may inspire you one way or the other, to be real, to have courage, to stay true to yourself. “Beyond fear lies freedom.” – AHO brothers and sisters!
Are you ever scared, deeply scared, before undertaking something whilst at the same time having a feeling of total trust that this is something you HAVE to do? This is the story of one of those events. Why I was frightened like a little boy, and why I had to break through the resistance and surrender. All of the work I have been doing over the last years was manifesting itself in this singularity.
So… I met the King of the desert yesterday, Bufo Alvarius…. wow… what the…..???? This toad secretes a venom of bufotin and 5-MEO-DMT which has a strong psychoactive property when smoked. Two and a half years had passed since my spiritual awakening with Ayahuasca. Yesterday was Groundhog Day, but with a vengeance. HOLY MOLY. I am so grateful, so humbled, so thankful… So so so thankful…
My history with smokeable DMT has been dark and terrifying, unlike many of the people around me. For whatever reason I went into a space of nothingness, or not even that, I didn’t have any recollection of where I went. After the journey each time my guide would tell me that I was screaming and kicking around, in various intensities usually depending on the extraction process and the dosage. This had happened about 4 or 5 times.
Thus, I was terrified to go to the ceremony yesterday. Couldn’t sleep. Although I have had the blessing to heal the trauma of my last DMT journey (see http://www.awakenandconnect.com/real-darkness-versus-our-shadows/) through working with mother Ayahuasca, the fear of smoking again hadn’t subsided. I hardly slept. I was so nervous. I knew the toad was already with me. As I was paying gratitude the night before to the universe for all the beauty that is manifesting in my life, I realized there was something else with me, some energy, something new, something unknown. It is so incredible, this magick around us. If you decide to tune in, you don’t have to do anything but receive.
Driving to the place on the other side of Holland I nearly fell asleep a few times. ‘Resistance Daan, this is just resistance. Breathe.’ The mind uses endless tools to sabotage our lives. This was one of them. I took a few deep breaths and became more awake. Resistance towards growth manifests itself in a wide variety of aspects. Fear, doubt, shutting down, physical illness, frustration and thus also tiredness. I’ve noticed that the line between actually being tired and falling asleep because of resistance is a very thin and fine one. Practice makes perfect. Patience. Trust. Surrender. It seems to keep coming back to these aspects. Having faith on the path, no matter the resistance. Proper warrior style.
“If it’s both terrifying AND amazing then you should definitely pursue it.” – Erada
This was a very old feeling. I haven’t felt like this in quite a while. The 150+ ceremonies that I have participated in now, with various types of medicine, have created a foundation of trust, a base of safety. I was not scared that I would ever lose myself, at least so I thought… Until the Bufo came on my path. Crazy. Totally unexpected. Like with my first ceremony with ayahuasca. It’s ‘just there’ when the time is right. We don’t need to look for it (I heard this many times before and I feel hypocritical writing exactly the statement which for a long time I thought was a load of crap. 🙂 Keep on smiling). I was so scared that I woke up in the middle of the night sweating, turning and twisting. Why did I choose this path? Or rather, why did the path choose me?? Yes. Now I know, but the nights before the toad these were thoughts racing around in my head.
I had talked with the guide upon arrival, explaining him my history and my fears. He didn’t give me an answer or ‘analysis’ about my previous experiences but the look in his eyes and his words calmed me down, saying that this medicine is hyper-intelligent and knows what’s best for me.
I was in the right place. I was supposed to be here today. Breathing more, focusing on my centre I managed to drop the energy down and land on the location. We got a brief explanation of the procedure, got smudged, shared our intentions, worked with passion flower tincture to calm our bodies and started. The first two people stood up within minutes with big smiles on their faces. I looked at them and started projecting (again…) my expectations, doubts, worries etc. Is the dose high enough? Can I trust the guide? Why don’t they make the type of music that I saw in the Vice documentary? What if I don’t get anything out of this journey? I quickly observed my state of mind and was able to let it ALL go. Was surprised with how easy that went. I put my full trust in the guide. The location was gorgeous. A big farm with tipis and a shamanic field in the back. We gathered with quite a big group in a circle for the introduction. One by one we were invited to come and take a spot.
It was time. The fourth or fifth participant stood up. It was my time. Meditate Daan. Breathe. I sat down on the rug, looked around and saw myself surrounded by lions on its print. How suitable (I am strongly connected with the lion energy). Yes this is the moment. More relaxation dawned on me. The guide came sitting in front of me with the pipe. We hugged. I put my hand on his heart and the other on my own heart. We made deep eye contact. “Let’s do this brother, I am ready” were my last words. I was still scared…
“Feel the fear and do it anyway” – Susan Jeffers
I took a few deep breaths as he was heating the pipe. “Exhale” he said. I blew every last bit of air out of my lungs and slowly started to inhale the pipe. It was strong, the first whiff. Difficult to keep breathing. I swallowed. More, more, more. Keep going, you can do this, I kept telling myself. Swallowed again. Kept toking the pipe. I saw that everything was in. I held my breath and slowly let myself fall on my back. I do not remember when I exhaled again…
I could instantly feel the medicine. Even before I put my head down. It got slightly more intense, that feeling. I didn’t see anything when I had my eyes closed. It was just blank. I could feel a lot of resistance. I opened my eyes at some point and saw the blue sky, slightly coloured and fractalled . I heard my guide singing for me. I was just here. Sure my vision was slightly blurred but nothing too strange. I closed my eyes again. I felt the resistance and started breathing into it slowly. ‘Just let go Daan, just let go’ I kept saying to myself.
What followed is my own truth. My own experience. I have no idea what it really deep down means in the bigger scheme of things. I just know what it means for me, not what it means for ‘the world’. From my present state of consciousness my own words, even to me, sound like a blown up ego.
I let go. The resistance vaporized. I exploded. Completely. Yet I was still there. Words do not do it justice. I was aware. I was even aware I was on a field surrounded by a group of people, while being under a very strong psychedelic medicine. I still cannot believe how much presence in this reality I was able to maintain under the influence of one of the strongest psychedelics (if not THE strongest) on the planet. I started saying… “WHAT THE F#^&… WHAT??? REALLY?? WHAT THE F#^&???” I can still feel that energy blowing up my heart right now. It’s creating shocks and tensions throughout my physical body. “I am the new Messiah. I am the salvation.”
I am it. I am the universe. I am everything. It was so obvious.
“I am the one I have been looking for, waiting for. What a joke! I am. I am. I am. I am the maestro I have been looking for. I am infinite. I am beyond any limitation.”
I could not believe what was happening!! I didn’t get to see anything else but myself!! All of the work of the last years. The fruits of the seeds are here. Right now in this moment. I have done enough. I have looked enough. I have worked hard enough. The toad showed me nothing because I am already there. I am. I am everything. I am the universe. I didn’t travel back to the big bang or see any fractals because there is nothing to see if you are already everything. The message was crystal clear. So so sweet!
I cracked up laughing. Incredible. Full awe and wonder I laughed and laughed and laughed. Is this for real???? What kind of joke is this??? Is it this simple?
My intention was to experience the energetic expansion of which I know is possible, without the veils of the mind. Boy did I get an answer to my intention. Shortly after I realized fully and completely what was actually going on and particularly how I am the only one who can limit myself, surges of energy started to flow throughout my body. I got hyper-charged like as in the very first ceremony with mother Ayahuasca. I sat on my knees. I became wild. I became raw. I became primal. I grabbed the ground, I started pulling the grass, pounding my hands on the earth. I started digging, roaring, screaming. More and more and more energy was coming into my system. I exploded. I could feel all of the people in the circle. I screamed and roared loudly, like an animal. It was a brutal Viking type of energy. “FUCK YEAH!!!” Again… I can feel this powerful, super strong raw type of energy in my system as I write this. Unbelievable and yet, this is what I already knew. I knew this was inside of me. I just had to get it reconfirmed.
The shamanic energies in my system were the most intense I have ever felt. During my first awakening with ayahuasca I got acquainted. Now I got initiated. Or should I say, I was simply reminded of what I already knew. I kept on roaring, pounding the ground, charging up and up, more and more, there was no stopping it. I almost lost consciousness, it became that primal. I really enjoyed that process A LOT. This is what I was looking for, for such a long time already. The energetic expansion that I have experienced not only with ayahuasca but also with mushrooms on some occasions. I stood up and could feel EVERYONE in the circle. I could feel their presence. I could feel my power as a leader, as a storyteller, as a motivator. I was more alive than ever.
“Dear brothers and sisters, go for it, fully. There WILL be resistance, you WILL face fear. Be with it!! Breathe through it. Be present!! You can do this!! We are the ones we have been waiting for. Have the courage to walk this path together!!” Incredible. This is who I truly am, deep down. I know this. I knew this already. I just had to get it reconfirmed. Thank you Bufo Alvarius for this amazing gift.
I had to walk away. I had to leave this group and be on my own. I gave the guide a massive hug, I almost squished him to death I think… As I was walking away, the energy surges were still rushing through my system. I recognise this from other moments, in ceremony, in sexual interactions. This deep rooted powerful energetic expansion. Beautiful. I walked to the next meadow and let myself fall on the ground, singing and shouting “I’m so grateful!! Thank you pacha mama. Let’s do this together. Let’s make it all better. Let’s play!” I rolled around, plucking grass and throwing it in the air. My inner child was so lively present in that moment. I felt completely liberated. My true essence was there to shine. I know this is who I really am.
Our true selves are playful, powerful beyond imagination, intelligent, energetic, lively, inventive, infinite, loving and more and more and more. All these beautiful qualities that we strive to acquire in our lives. We are looking for things outside of us that are already there. We just need to lift the veils and see. Not look. Just see. Estas Tonne wrote a beautiful song about this with Peter Pendragon, it has deep meaning for me. “Aspire to your heights and give in to your lows. Let experience unjudged be your teacher supreme. Stop searching and find, stop listening and hear, stop looking and simply see…”
The lessons were endless. ‘You don’t have to do any more work. You don’t have to drink more ayahuasca to learn. You don’t need any substances anymore. You don’t need a maestro, a teacher. You are it. All of it. You are the one. You don’t have to analyse it, you don’t have to figure it out. You can stop searching.’ In Peru, two years after I had quit smoking I picked up the nasty habit again. Ayahuasca helped me quit the first time. The habit was not enjoyable. I knew I had to quit and knew that moment was coming up. Bufo helped me and showed me the way. I have stopped smoking tobacco since Sunday. It seems ridiculous to light another cigarette and stick it in my mouth. I didn’t think it would be this easy again, as I had tried a few times over the last months.
I have found. I AM. I know now that in whatever situation, if my energy to heal needs to manifest, it will be there. The ceremonies that I give in the next weeks will be guided. I am ready. Such a blessing. I can’t keep saying that enough. Such a blessing. I am reminded of who I really am. My ex-girlfriend cracked up laughing when I told her what had happened. ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ and ‘How long did it take mister aerospace engineer to figure this out?’ Hahah so true. It was a necessary path though, to arrive here on this magickal day.
“The two most important days in your life are the day that you are born, and the day you find out why.” – Mark Twain
Mind you: this journey is ‘just my story’. It is nothing universal. Any truth described in this article is mine and mine alone. You are to find your own truth, to find your own liberation. There are an infinite amount of tools available to do so. Some read a book and have an enlightened moment, some meditate at home and wake up, some do a vision quest, a drum workshop, a Vipassana retreat and some like myself work with these sacred medicine. We are all unique. We all have to learn to listen to our heart and follow our heart. But the kingdom of heaven is here. It is within us. True liberation will not be brought to you by any guru, any maestro, any plant or any process. It will be ONLY YOU who holds the key to the kingdom within.
I have heard this many times over the past two years. I finally understand what it means. It takes time to learn the bigger lessons of the masters who have come before us. We need to have patience. We need to have faith that one day or the other, these experiences arrive in our lives and help us liberate ourselves. Gratitude to the universe. Gratitude to my soul, to this life. Mind blown…
“The vibration of GRATITUDE attracts more positive things in your LIFE”- Cherie Roe Dirksen
Already since Peru I have experienced such magick (see http://www.awakenandconnect.com/magick-and-the-flow-of-the-universe/ for an article I wrote two weeks after being back). I seem to attract more and more people in my life that are aligned with my passion, with my mission, my drive. I have had this experience before, during my Master thesis project. Even though I had put in a lot of effort to find the right universities and facilities, co-workers and professors, motivate them and make it come true, many magickal things around it also happened. It is as if the universe is working with you on all fronts, all areas of the project. The seemingly impossible became possible. I had to kill some of my darlings though, but hey this is life.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude. I am regularly thinking things and burst out laughing because I can see the joke behind the reality. The jokes behind the stories. How we create it all ourselves. I seem a lot more self-conscious. This path is so rewarding!! And you can’t figure it all out before you start walking the path. All you can do is do it. All of the trainings, the workshops, the meetings, the ceremonies, the coaching sessions, the journeys to the corners of the earth. All of these gave me the mirrors over and over to show me that nothing is really to be gained outside of us. Now it is time to give back.
“My future is filled of exciting possibilities that I deserve to take part in”
AHO brothers and sisters
For one united tribe
For one united country
For one united race
For one united planet
Familia de la Luz