Now that was an insightful night! Not pretty, but very insightful. I don’t think I have ever been this lost in life before, this disassociated from reality. It was as if the world of reality as we know it ceased to exist. It felt like the end of the world. Total reset. Only thing I could still hear was Birin Soi’s chanting. It was that, which kept me grounded in reality. Might have gone mad otherwise.
This was the second night drinking the new strong medicine. I was excited because the night before had been very visionary but also very healing. I felt that night I had been able to clean more of the DMT flash, the traumatic experience in Iquitos. I had done a session there which was not pretty. During my first two ayahuasca ceremonies with the family of Diogenes ayahuasca helped me clean whatever negative energies I had picked up there. More of the memories came up two nights ago as I had been able to make them subside by concentrating on love and light and subsequently vomiting them into the bucket. I already wondered if there was more… Again yes there were a few flashes of memories but wat followed was a lot darker. I did NOT expect this to happen…
I don’t remember, but it must have been about 45 mins into the ceremony when all of a sudden I felt really, extremely weird. Words don’t do these things justice, but I’ll try to explain. I wish I could record my visual memory, which would be more explanatory. Anyway, there was a sudden moment when everything around me felt ‘wrong’. Like it didn’t make sense any more. It was as if the laws of nature were reversed or simply ceased to exist. I sat up straight and looked around. It was like there was a thick fog in the maloka (ceremony space) with some light penetrating it here and there, something you’d expect after a serious nuclear explosion (although I have fortunately never been in one lol). I remember thinking; ‘This is it, this is the end of the world. We are finally hitting the reset button. Our collective consciousness is being wiped out and reinitiated’. It was in that sense not that scary. I wondered if the others in the room were aware of what was going on. I tried to make sense of things and tried to focus on where I was and what we were doing. Words like ayahuasca and ceremony were non-existent in my vocabulary. It was as if ayahuasca had become a great secret in the world. I could simply not find the words anymore. Super weird. I had the insight that someone was keeping our birth right from us, our holy sacrament that is rightfully ours. I remember sitting there and repeating: ‘What the fuck? What the fuck???? What???’, completely lost. After some minutes and with the highly supportive chanting of our maestro in the background I regained some touch with reality. I went to lie down but was still disassociated.
What followed was even more bizarre… For a while I was losing more and more track of who I was, what the world is, where we were. I became an observer of reality without having any connection to it. I felt life slipping through my hands, as if my soul was being drained. At some point I was somewhere else, in a different place but could still hear the chanting. I felt as if I had to protect myself, but also keep a grip on reality otherwise I would go mad. I was talking to myself in this other space. It was as if reality was divided into two rooms, separated by an impenetrable veil. I was in the other space, the rest of the world was where it was. In that space I kept talking to myself. Reassuring that everything was going to be ok. Then all of a sudden got really sick and had to purge. Swiftly moved to the bucket and boy…. What the hell was that which came out?!??!?!?!?! I stream of parasite like worms and bugs, the size of golf balls. A whole stream of them! I could see them leave my mouth as I vomited. They didn’t like leaving. I could see the resistance and hear some sort of screaming. I have never seen so clearly what I have released ever before. I knew this was spiritual black magick straight away. My head was buzzing. My brain was in overdrive. I slowly regained my senses but was seriously shocked with what had just happened.
Soon after the purge I came back to senses. Reality turned back to normal. I remembered who I was, where I was and my senses came back alive. I felt like something had been surgically removed from my soul. Something that I had been carrying with me for a while. Something that has been feeding on me for a while. Unbelievable. Still, I was not feeling well mainly because of the shock.
Birin Soi came to me and asked how I was doing. “No bueno maestro!! No bueno! Mucho sucio, mucho limpia!” “Ya vamos a ver, listo. Siéntate. Voy a ayudar”. In other words, he was going to help me and sing for me. He first sprayed me with perfume and then started chanting loudly, faster and faster. Since I have been here over the last two weeks, haven’t heard him sing like this before. Halfway his chant he got stuck and had to throw up. That also didn’t happen before. Was super happy that he was there with me. More shit came out of me, coughing and spitting. I held his leg and his hand until he was done. So lucky to have a good guide here. Uffff.
So what was that?? What the hell was I carrying with me and where did it come from? Is this still from smoking the DMT in Iquitos? Talked with Birin Soi this morning. He said it is from the previous ayahuasca centre where I was. Brujeria! I can’t imagine, the people there were so lovely. Nevertheless, anything is possible. If so, I should really talk with the people back home about it.
Yet again, deep lessons about the light and the dark here in Peru. Can’t believe that a week ago I was concerned that I wasn’t learning anything new and now these two nights. Pffffff. Feeling super grateful towards mother ayahuasca. I went outside, took the wheelbarrow to sit in and marvelled at the stars for a while. It was a crystal clear night with no moon. Just the Milky Way shining bright upon the jungle canopies and floor. Couldn’t sleep afterwards. We are in the boat to Pucallpa now. Had maybe 3 hours of sleep but feeling super alive and energetic. Really released some bad shit last night. Aho.